Inverted Penile Problem.

Dear Grandma Alice,
My girlfriend, right, is totally hanging, meaning she is rough as fuck, man. Sometimes, when i look at her and that, i feel like i want to puke out all my guts until like shit starts to come out my mouth. I suspect the same thing may have happened to her, right, cos her breath always tastes like shit. Mind you, she talks a lot of shit too, so that could be it. If i were to describe my girlfriend, i would say she looked like Andrew Lloyd Webber after a fight where his head has been removed and replaced by the exact reverse of God's face, only more ugly.

Anyway, not only is she ugly, she is seethingly unsexy as well. So much so, that whenever we have sex, my penis retracts back up inside me. I mean proper like, like someone has pushed a chipolata into a splodge of plasticine and pulled it out. The hole left. Fuckin' ell. It really emasculates me, y'know. The thing is, this don't even matter, cos her clit is the fuckin' size of a chipolata anyways! She just shoves that shit up inside my reverse-cock and we both have a great time. Well, a good a time as anyone could have having their girlfriend's cock sized clitoris up inside their concave penis.

She doesn't really understand my problem. What a bitch eh? Lol. What should i do.

Yours unmanlily,
Nauseous Non-Male

********************************************************

Dear Nauseous Non-Male,

To me, this sounds like a perfect arrangement. Im presuming that both you, and your girlfriend's oversized clitoris gain just as much pleasure if you were having sex the usual way. If you enjoy this, leave it as it is. However, if you want to be the one in charge for once, stick a bag on her head with a picture of someone fit you fancy and see what happens.

However, if you feel that you cannot stand even this girl' personality or anything about her, you should end th relationship, not only for yourself, but for her, too, so she can find someone who does love her, and doesn't want to bag her up when they see her.

I hope you can find something in my answer to help with your problem.

Grandma Alice

Am I Just Too Handsome?

Dear Grandma Alice,
I have totally a problem dude. It's wicked bad. What's happened is, totally, you know dat some peeps r hideously ugly, well dis peep, meaning me, is hideously handsome.

People are always sick with delight when dey see me. It's like dey've eaten too many choclits or somefing!

Love you

From

Really Really Really Good Looking Guy

************************************************

Dear Really Really Really Good Looking Guy,

First of all, I'm sure you don't love me, but thanks anyways. Also, see the correct spellings: 'that', 'are', 'people', 'this', 'person', 'they', 'they've', 'chocolates' and 'something'. Please correct this atrocious spelling and try not to make these mistakes again.
It seems that your problem isn't much of a problem at all. Take it as a compliment and wear a rain macintosh at all times just in case some vomit flecks on you.

Stay good-lookin'

Grandma Alice

What to do with my Ringtone?

Dear Grandma Alice,
My ringtone on my phone is the theme music from popular American Sitcom, Two and a Half Men, starring Charlie Sheen.
As you may well know, the lyrics to this outstanding a capella tune, consists only of the word 'Men', (although now i think of it, it also includes the occasional 'manly', for good measure). I love dat tune, MAN.
The thing is, whenever i am filling in an application form, for a job, say, or perhaps for a dating website, i tick the box marked 'LESBIAN' when it asks my sexual preference. I am a woman also, thus proving this is not just a jape by a horny man. Anyway, people phone me, hear my ringtone, and then assume i am straight. This is because of all the 'Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men' in the tune. But i am lesbian though, a raging lesbian, i totally love pussy, as much as the 'men' in the theme tune. So anyway, what shall i do?
From
Confused Lady Lover

*************************************************

Dear Confused Lady Lover
May I start by suggesting that you spell 'that' as 'that' and not 'dat'.
There is a simple solution to your problem: change your ringtone. For example, you could have it as the theme tune to equally popular American TV Sitcom 'The Big Bang Theory', I have heard that is wildly enjoyed by people in the lesbian, gay and bi community.
However, if you want a ringtone that when people hear it they think 'that girl is deffo a dyke' then I'd strongly suggest you use 'All The Things She Said' by TaTu. Not only are the girls notorious lesbians, but they kiss in the video for this song. On top of this, they performed on a popular children's TV programme, and the skinnier one wore a white top with no bra and you could see her coffee-stains. If you want that confirmation when people see you and hear your phone ring, they then know you as a lesbian, I hope you will take my advice.
I hope this helps!
Grandma Alice